yet — this place is a void. i drove from void to void to void — outside of this void, you drive through another and it leads you into another blackness. you’ll get a flat tire. there’s another strip mall. another suicide. another drug overdose. the same people at the same bar, everyday. i’m still too rigid to be nice to them. she said she needed to get out. but it’s hard to get out of here. it’s hard.
i’m not safe in between the green of the pines—there’s a deep blue, in the distance. that’s where i belong. that’s my other home. i carry the people i love with me. i carry them. they’re stuffed in my ribcage. i’d never let them go. but i have to leave. i hope that maybe i’ll plant something here and it’ll grow every year i’m gone. i want the people i love to leave, and go somewhere safe. have a better life.
no news is good here. no news is good.
some days the colors are stripped from every moment. i remember the grayness, a few years ago. the grayness was the quiet, and the quiet was so loud. i suppose “deafening silence” is real.
i keep my real feelings to myself, outside of the internet. mostly i say “whatever, dude” and “nothing matters.” it’s true, but some days i want to feel like everything matters. today every moment was grating. but i am okay.
okay, birds are chirping and it’s almost dusk. i’m keeping the blinds closed because i can imagine what it looks like, but i don’t want to be disappointed. i guess can kinda see it in the reflection of a purple cd. i would be disappointed, but here i am looking at a computer screen.